Even the tax man can joke!
Apart from the pictures posted by Sylvia and John after their holiday in Austria, things have gone a bit quiet on our blog during the summer break, so I thought I would like to share with you something I have lifted from another blog. It is said to be a genuine letter sent by the Inland Revenue to a client. It apparently appeared in the "Guardian", so it must be true.
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.
I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last letter as a "begging letter". It might perhaps, more properly be referred to, as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such demands.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily though the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses" and "pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.
In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumkin" or come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that government in any way exects you to "stump up for the whole damned party yourself." The estimates that you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct enquiries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system.
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance did not render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose " to give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday,
Yours Sincerely
H J Lee Customer Relations
Dear Mr Addison,
I am writing to you to express our thanks for your more than prompt reply to our latest communication, and also to answer some of the points you raise.
I will address them, as ever, in order.
Firstly, I must take issue with your description of our last letter as a "begging letter". It might perhaps, more properly be referred to, as a "tax demand". This is how we, at the Inland Revenue have always, for reasons of accuracy; traditionally referred to such demands.
Secondly, your frustration at our adding to the "endless stream of crapulent whining and panhandling vomited daily though the letterbox on to the doormat" has been noted. However, whilst I have naturally not seen the other letters to which you refer I would cautiously suggest that their being from "pauper councils, Lombardy pirate banking houses" and "pissant gas-mongerers" might indicate that your decision to "file them next to the toilet in case of emergencies" is at best a little ill-advised.
In common with my own organisation, it is unlikely that the senders of these letters do see you as a "lackwit bumkin" or come to that, a "sodding charity". More likely they see you as a citizen of Great Britain, with a responsibility to contribute to the upkeep of the nation as a whole.
Which brings me to my next point. Whilst there may be some spirit of truth in your assertion that the taxes you pay "go to shore up the canker-blighted, toppling folly that is the Public Services", a moment's rudimentary calculation ought to disabuse you of the notion that government in any way exects you to "stump up for the whole damned party yourself." The estimates that you provide for the Chancellor's disbursement of the funds levied by taxation, whilst colourful, are, in fairness, a little off the mark. Less than you seem to imagine is spent on "junkets for Bunterish lickspittles" and "dancing whores" whilst far more than you have accounted for is allocated to, for example, "that box-ticking facade of a university system."
A couple of technical points arising from direct enquiries:
1. The reason we don't simply write "Muggins" on the envelope has to do with the vagaries of the postal system.
2. You can rest assured that "sucking the very marrows of those with nothing else to give" has never been considered as a practice because even if the Personal Allowance did not render it irrelevant, the sheer medical logistics involved would make it financially unviable.
I trust this has helped. In the meantime, whilst I would not in any way wish to influence your decision one way or the other, I ought to point out that even if you did choose " to give the whole foul jamboree up and go and live in India" you would still owe us the money. Please forward it by Friday,
Yours Sincerely
H J Lee Customer Relations
posted by Tom at Sunday, August 21, 2005
1 Comments:
Interesting that we have all these external commentators!
Personally, I just wanted to comment on the faintly mistaken impression which the end of the article may convey, namely that the tax system in India is in any way easier, less bloodthirsty or bureaucratic. This isn't the case!
If you add the element of excitement involved in deciding just how to pitch the sum involved in the essential financial easing of the passage of your tax return, and/or ameliorate the inevitable DEMAND, and you might regard the Indian system as better entertainment, but easier ..... no!
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